This is something I wrote to myself two and a half weeks into not drinking. This was October of 2015 and I was carrying a lot of guilt from a previous relationship. The subject of the previous relationship has since gotten married and moved out of the area. It is interesting to reflect back and see how my tendencies in relationships show up again and again. Here it is:
Two and a half weeks sober has been interesting. It’s been quite depressing since I arrived back from Haiti. I can’t really get out of my own head and I just sit and dwell on the past and my mistakes and how I have wronged people. Especially Christina. For some reason or another, she unblocked me on Facebook which has been pretty hard for me. Of course I went through old pictures, most of which I have been removed from. But if I look far enough back, there are some early pictures from our relationship. There is even the one of the first night we hung out with a group and it’s just the two of us. I like that picture a lot. I know I must reap what I sow and the way I treated our relationship, I deserve to be bad mouthed and talked bad about. I am comfortable with this and welcome it. Christina has every right to hate me. I hate how I was too much of a coward to walk away from our relationship before I let it get bad. One of my greatest weaknesses is that I am a people pleaser. There were a lot of times that it was easier to be miserable myself than to hurt her and deal with it. Ultimately, I probably hurt her way worse than I ever would have on the front end of things. I sit and I think a lot these days. I guess when I don’t have alcohol to make me forget then I have to toil with my problems. I wrestle with them throughout every day. She is constantly on my mind and I pray for her more than I pray for all other people, including myself, combined. I guess I pray like this because of the guilt I feel for hurting her. She did not deserve me stringing her along. Granted I did try to break up with her and end things a few times, but she’s not a quitter. I’m not a quitter either so we just both plugged along like stubborn bulls trying to make a way. I wonder if I subconsciously wanted a way out and that is why I would never take more steps forward with her? I wonder if that is why I always had good girl friends that I, at the least, texted with on a regular basis to keep other doors open? They are all possibilities. I do believe that she had to hate me to leave me, and that she does I am sure. Tonight I was at Otey’s checking on things during trivia night. My intention was to be in and out fairly quick. I started making the rounds and saying hello to people I knew in there and the usual small talk that I find very joyless without a few drinks in my system. I saw one of Christina’s friends from high school look at me then turn her back. Not completely positive that it was Merilyn, I looked on the computer to see if she had a tab open, which she did, and decided that I needed to at least say hello. I have not crossed paths with many of Christina’s friends since things were really ended. I ran into Stephanie one time and she was very sweet and it was good to see her. I guess there has been a kind of unofficial separation of places that she and her friends go and places that I go. Basically I go to the hole in the wall, sometimes trashy places and she and her friends stick to the ‘classy’ places. All is fine by me. So, when I saw Merilyn at Otey’s, where anybody with any sense would know they would probably see me there, I figured I should say hello and wish her well. I approached Merilyn who was sitting at a table for four at the front of the restaurant and tapped her to get her attention. She looked up at me like I was a complete stranger, to the point that I asked if she was Merilyn. She said very matter of factly “Yes.” I then said “I saw you and I just wanted to say hey.” She responded with “Well hey” and had turned around whipping her hair before the words even finished coming out of her mouth. This really bothers me but I just can not quite pin down why. I mean, I guess friend loyalty gives her the right to be bitchy to me and that is fine. I think what hurt was that I could have easily walked out of the restaurant without saying a word and it would have been a nonissue. But instead I thought I would be cordial and say hello, especially since she decided to come and spend money at the restaurant that I help run. I guess it hurt because it was a reminder of how deep the cuts are with Christina and I. I think the cuts run deep on both ends. I seem to have been the one doing all the cutting though. I cut and hurt her and I cut myself while I was at it. Now I am dwelling on the pains and refusing my usual selfprescribed medication of whiskey and beer to make me feel better about myself. If I am honest with myself, I am very down on me right now. I am ashamed of being a cheater, a drunk, a liar, and a bad selfish person. I think this is why when I drink I immediately begin looking for attention from girls who tell me how great I am. I like hearing girls or people ask how I am still single at my age. It makes me feel like I am something worth being desired, which I really don’t feel I am. This is the state where my heart lives right now and it is extremely depressing. I am in a funk for sure and I just pray to God that I come out of it somehow someway. The only thing that gives me hope is Jesus, the Cross, and being a new person in Christ. That is my only hope to ever feeling redeemed or worthy. The fact of the matter is that I am worthy of nothing. I have squandered many blessings and have done more harm than good as a Christian. But in Christ, I have been made new and with that I get to fellowship with God the Father. This is great with me. When I dwell on that thought, that I get the Trinity and God loves me and has shown me grace for all of my sins then the dark cloud that keeps a weight on my chest is a lot lighter. Jesus is my only hope to get through this dark time. I am ashamed of the man I have become but I am thankful for my appreciation of the Cross and God’s love and grace. It is not something I understand more in my mind now than I did when I was on a more straight and narrow path. It is something that I can feel in my heart more though. I can feel the Spirit comfort me in my times of despair. The helplessness that I feel is paralyzing. I often feel so helpless that I don’t understand why it is worth it to get up out of bed. I think that maybe if I didn’t think I would drive myself absolutely insane by only dealing with myself and my thoughts all alone then I would probably have a lot harder time getting moving in the mornings. Instead I get up and get going because I hope. I hope that maybe somebody will show me some grace. My boss and good friend, Will, showed me grace and took me in as a part of his family when I was without any direction or a job and he has taught me a lot in business and provided me with a healthy living. I hope to show other people that kind of grace and love. I wish I had shown that grace and love to Christina and not dragged her through the mess that I made out of my life. I hope and pray that she is happy. I hope and pray that God heals her of the pain I caused her. I hope and pray that she would be loved whole heartedly like she deserves. I hope and pray that the Lord protect her to no ends so that she would never have to deal with somebody like me again. I do not know what healing process I need to go through to overcome this darkness that sits with me daily thinking about our relationship. I know it begins with resting in Christ and trusting in God and his plan but that is a lot easier said than done. It is so hard to live in that moment of grace. It is almost like I don’t truly believe that I have been forgiven for my sins. I know it in my head but my heart has a hard time embracing that idea. I don’t know if Christina will ever forgive me. I really don’t expect her to. And that is what is hard to swallow for me. I have forever lost a friend who loved me because I was not man enough to stick to my guns when I knew we should not be together and I acted out as a result of it. I wish I could take my lashings and move on but instead, I sit and dwell. I don’t dwell on what we could have been but I dwell on how she loved me more than I loved her and I took advantage of that. I was a user who used her for her love, support, and stability while my life was a wreck. She was broken by a thoughtless bastard who only looked out for himself. That is a damn shame. Now I am not one to feel sorry for myself and I am definitely not one looking for someone to feel sorry for me. I believe I live my daily life with a thankful joy to be where I am. I have been very fortunate to land on my feet in Birmingham. I have good friends that care for me and I have family that loves me. There really is not much more I can ask for. It is just interesting how at night, when I am left with my own thoughts all alone, I always go back to mine and Christina’s relationship. I believe when it is time, there will be another girl that comes along and is really the one I am supposed to be with. I look forward to getting to know that person. I am also not willing to try to make things work with someone who is what I think I want. Christina was everything I could have wanted except that we weren’t right for each other. I have now tossed out any idea of what I think I want and just trust that God is good and has it all under control. Me trying to control things only screws them up so I forfeit control with an open mind and an open heart. Tomorrow is going to be a great day filled with love, grace, and joy.